How can I support my partner through IVF?
In my last blog I talked about the emotional and physical challenges that going through IVF or any other assisted reproductive process can bring to those involved, and especially to the intended birth mother.
In this companion blog I’m going to talk about how a partner can support the intended birth mother through the process.
It’s important, of course to acknowledge that whilst the partner in this context is often a husband or male life partner, obviously what follows applies to same-sex couples and/or surrogates going through assisted reproduction, too.
And it’s also worth saying that although there is, understandably, a lot of focus on the birth mother when we talk about IVF – or in vitro fertilisation, to give it its full name – much of the emotional and psychological impact experienced by the partner is often down to a sense of helplessness, so this blog aims to help all those involved in the process to feel supported and engaged.
What is IVF?
If you’re considering going through IVF or another method of assisted reproduction, then you’ll almost certainly have done quite a bit of research already to understand the scientific process.
But it’s worth covering that off here in simple terms, too.
The biological process of successful IVF is as complex and miraculous as birth itself – if not more so, since it’s a ‘treatment’ that aims to get a result that nature seems for whatever reason unwilling to manage on its own.
But if we break IVF down into its simplest steps, the process involves 5 key stages. All of them impact on those involved, and all of them require understanding and support.
These 5 steps are:
- A course of fertility medication to help harvest as many eggs as is safely possible and to give the body the best possible chance of successfully receiving the implanted egg;
- The collection of eggs from the birth mother’s body
- Taking a sample of sperm from the husband, partner or donor
- Inseminating the eggs – which is a posh way of describing how the sperm and eggs are introduced to each other.
- Transferring the inseminated eggs back into the birth mother’s body
This is, as I have said, a very simple description of the mechanics of what is a complex and delicate procedure, and it is followed by lots of checks and further medication to ensure things are going smoothly. On average, a couple will go through several cycles of IVF in order to achieve success.
Why is IVF often so emotionally traumatic?
In the ‘conventional’ scenario of a man and woman trying to conceive a child, the root of the emotional and psychological impact of IVF obviously depends on the medical reason for infertility.
But regardless of whether the problem is traced to the birth mother or the father, what lies behind the mental health impact of going through IVF is inadequacy: why won’t my body do what it is designed to do?
I deal with this element of the relationship between IVF and would-be parents in more detail in my previous blog, which you can read here, but the point I broadly make in that article is this:
Like all animals, human beings are fundamentally designed to reproduce, and whilst we live in far more enlightened times, both socially and medically, there is a still a primitive expectation that child rearing is something that should happen easily. When it doesn’t, one or more of the people involved may feel they have failed in a task that society has taught us should be as easy as falling off a log.
But remember I said conception and childbirth are complex and miraculous? That’s because they are. Getting from sexual intercourse to the delivery of a healthy bouncing baby requires about a billion planets and stars to align in a very precise order and at a very precise time.
Mostly, they do. But we shouldn’t feel surprised, or guilty, when they don’t.
So, what can you do to support each other?
I’m deliberately going to talk about mutual support strategies, because IVF is a team thing. It can be full of emotional highs and lows, anxiety, stress, sadness depression, hope, disappointment and – hopefully, if all goes well – euphoria, and it requires mutual support from both sides.
There are also potential side effects to some or all of the fertility medication that may be required as part of the process, and the physical symptoms of this can spark an emotional response that affects the relationship between partners.
If you’d like to find out more about how acupuncture can help you during IVF treatment, please get in touch for a friendly, informal and confidential chat
Here, then, are our tips on how to support each other through IVF or other assisted reproduction treatment:
Be informed: knowing what to expect will help both of you to anticipate and prepare for some of the challenges that lie ahead. Some of what you read here will help with that, but do extensive research and talk to your medical team about what to expect. Although the process of getting over those hurdles may take time and be difficult, the sense of teamwork that comes from shared knowledge is an important factor in maintaining a strong relationship.
Be open to reality: I said earlier that the average couple will go through several failed IVF cycles before they experience a successful treatment, so be honest with each other about how you might feel if things don’t go as planned and make time for ongoing conversations that may prove hard, but which should strengthen your partnership.
Have a financial plan: Naturally, we all hope that IVF works the first time around, but be clear on your financial flexibility. How will you pay for further treatment? Statistically-speaking, some couples experience much higher failure rates than others – so is there a point at which you need to be realistic about how long you are financially able to support IVF?
Empathy, not sympathy: Sympathy is rarely what anyone going through IVF needs or wants, but empathy is another matter. Encourage each other to share your feelings without judgement.
The chances are you can’t fix what’s causing your partner to feel the way they do – but being able to listen, understand and empathise will be more supportive than you might imagine. Try not to criticise or be judgmental, as these tend to erode an already weakened sense of self-esteem.
Practical help is important: It sounds obvious, but just picking up the slack can make a huge difference to someone’s emotional health. Whether it’s upping the amount of housework you take on, taking control of the administrative side of life or just running simple errands, taking on some of the practical burdens of life can often help to bring a bit of sanity into a sense of overwhelm.
Get professional support: Couples counselling can be a big help in working through some of the emotional issues you’ll both be dealing with. Some couples see counselling as another failure – the inability to resolve issues as a partnership; but sometimes an independent, objective perspective can help to cut through the emotional noise and allow you to get to the root of things quickly.
Acupuncture can help: Well, I’m an acupuncturist, so I’m a little biased, but while acupuncture isn’t going to be the whole answer to the biological puzzle you’re trying to solve, it can certainly be part of the solution. Acupuncture is brilliant at helping to resolve stress and anxiety, renew your body’s natural energy (which in turn helps to make you more receptive to the biological changes the IVF triggers) and can aid physiological functionality.
And, if nothing else, it’s a great help in allowing both of you to find inner calm and contentment at a time when life is frantic with conflicting emotions and demands.
If you’d like to find out more about how acupuncture can support you and your partner through IVF, please get in touch with me for an informal, no obligation chat – I’d love to hear from you.